2014 has got to be a better year.  It just has to be.  Happy New Year xx

Just watching Carry on Cabbie.  I am always struck by Hattie Jaques in these films, that whichever character she played, she never believed she was anything less than 100% sexy.  I know that this was not the case in real life, so in a way, credit to the writers for writing her characters in this way, especially at a time when sexism was so rife but really, does that have anything to do with it?  I guess I'm really thinking about body image.  As women we have come so far, but we are so shackled by perceptions of how we should look and how little we should weigh.  It is all so sad. 

I will live another 50 years and will still not get any nearer to understanding what in heavens name gets into the majority of us at this time of year.  Merry Christmas all xx

It's that time of year again.  We spend the entire year being made to feel thoroughly inadequate by womens magazines, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know there are the odd empowering articles, but there are still the countless adverts playing on insecurities and maybe we shouldn't even start with the ones at the back for affordable ie. cheap, plastic surgery, then along come the bright and shiny Christmas editions where they decide that hey, they are really going to go to town on us babies.  And randomly and completely unrelated, why do I feel the need to vomit whenever I come across the phrase 'date night'?

Shopped at Morrisons today.  Not wishing to advertise but it was quite refreshing to shop in a supermarket that wasn't masquerading as some sort of life-changing experience.

And while we're on the subject of bodies, pubic hair, or lack of it. I am so done with this trend.  Apparently, Gwyneth Paltrow is now 'rockin' a 70s vibe', roughly translated as, sporting a fuller bush.  Oh ta Gwyn, considering that after the porn industry, you were one of the women that made ripping everything off, oh so trendy.  Of all the things that anger me the most about this fashion, it's when people say, it's more hygienic.  Since when was soap and water not enough?  As women, we clearly didn't have quite enough body parts to hate without being made to feel not feminine enough, not sexy enough and not fucking clean enough.  Men making us feel abnormal about having hair, so need that, thank you guys.  Wax everything off yourselves.  Every month.  Then come talk.  And please don't be so damned lazy.  Just part it.  It aint freakin' rocket science.

Something's been puzzling me for a while now, but became particularly obvious whilst watching the magnificent Game of Thrones.  There's a fair amount of female nudity in it but all the actresses are very small breasted.  Nothing against small breasts, I've always wanted a pair myself but it begged the question.  When does female nudity cross over from art to porn?  Surely it isn't a matter of breast size.  I've noticed it on a lot of film and TV.  Are our breasts less offensive if they are less 'in your face'?  Can they get away with more naked breasts because they wrongly assume the smaller they are, the less we notice them?

It kills me when actresses give interviews saying things like 'well, as an actor', implying they take their art sooooooooooooooooooooo seriously, whilst simultaneously, prostitute themselves for cosmetics companies because 'they're worth it'.  And yes, we are all aware of the irony of you selling youth creams when we're pretty sure you've had 'work' done.

Why is it, that the fashion press can see someone walking down the street and quite clearly think 'fuck, she looks like a bag lady', but when it comes to someone in the public eye that everyone is supposed to think is the most amazingly stylish person, they become the most sycophanthic people on on the planet?

Someone once told me that the difference between feeling down and being clinically depressed is how you feel in the morning.  With the former, you feel like you cannot get out of bed, with the latter, you often cannot get out of bed. I am not depressed but I was feeling blue all day yesterday.  This morning I woke up and thought I can't get out of bed but I did.  What it bought to mind was how people who are depressed manage it.  Without it sounding trite, I want to send a big hug to all those people who struggle with depression,  who manage to get out of bed and function at all, on a daily basis, and a gentle pat on the back for every hurdle they manage to get through and for every difficulty that they fight to cope with.

I finally caved in.  After months of walking past it in the supermarket, picking it up, putting it down, thinking 'this is a fucking ridiculous thing to be eating', it came home with me yesterday.  Yep, you know what I'm talking about.  That new spread that is basically, well, crushed biscuits in sweet butter.  I kept looking at it and kept thinking 'this is just wrong'.  Have we run out of things to eat, have we completely exhausted all possibilities.  Was jam, honey, peanut butter, marmite, fish paste, marmalade and sandwich spread  just not enough for us?  Did someone in marketing have a light bulb moment, 'I know what no-one's thought of yet, let's crush biscuits in butter because peoples arteries haven't quite furred up enough yet, there's still room for more damage'.  But in case anyone's wondering.  Sadly, it was yum!

I think it's time that someone asked the question, just what school of journalism did the writers of the Daily Mail celebrity pages attend?  I would give you some examples, the descriptive ones are the worst, but I am too scared that I might vomit.  Reading them, yes I admit I am addicted, is bad enough but typing them, would just be way too much.

Something is troubling me.  In the grand scheme of things, I know that it's not that important but hey, most things that bother me aren't.  It's a certain look that's most prevalent at the moment amongst girls and women.  I suspect it comes from TOWIE but seeing as I don't watch it, I can't be entirely sure.  Scouse brows, hair extensions, fake looking nail extensions, madly out of proportion breast implants, fake tans, massive tattoos, lined lips and I think probably the biggest offender in my book, the false eyelashes closely resembling fat furry caterpillars, glued on badly.  I know that there are lots of different looks sported at the moment and thank Christ for that, but this one's out there.  And I can see it.  ALOT.  What confuses me about this look the most is that over the years, a lot of looks have come and gone and we looked completely unattractive with some of them, remembering the punk years here, but the intention was never to look sexy with that particular one whereas this is meant to be an overtly sexy look, at least I think it is.  Jury's out on that one.  I mean is it, have I got it all wrong?  Are there men all over the land thinking 'wow, I can't wait to run my hands all over that', or is it that men are thinking 'well, it's that or nothing'?  If I was a bloke, I think I'd be declaring my celibacy right now.  Or considering men.

As females, we spend a lot of our earlier years wanting to share our lives with that special person and children, achieve it, then spend a lot of our remaining years, whingeing about how much they irritate us.  Why is that?  And marriage, what's that about really?  When the institution was invented, life expectancy was about 39, if you were lucky and don't think people spent that much time together.  And why marry at all?  Maybe the desire to have someone 'take care' of you is stronger than the urge to shag whoever you want, or maybe that just gets old.  Or we do.  Not jaded, just interested.  And when I say married, I include people living together.

'Is everything we care about just a distraction from the horror of existence?'.  I came across this the other day in reference to how much we worry about 'stuff' and it made me think.  Well is it?

I have just finished a massive declutter or a cull, whichever way you look at it and feel I have come close to a meltdown and am about to break out in hives.  It's time to accept folks, I am not like normal people, but I have to live amongst them in a normal world.  Have you any idea what that's like?  I wonder if it's because I live in a house that I don't like therefore making me focus on 'the stuff' filling it. 

'My heart goes out to all those who suffer the curse of depression and the inability to cope with the complexities of life.'

I know I really shouldn't say this cos Lord, I have 2 blogs, am addicted to Facebook, follow countless blogs and can't seem to get my sorry arse off the internet, but, how did we get into this situation where we think, and some blogs are more guilty of this than others, that people are truly interested in what we are wearing, what we are eating, where we are going and what we are fucking thinking?  There, it's out in the open.

I often wonder about my desire to live not only in small spaces but on one level.  What's that about?  I came across this recently.  'I like seeing all my life in one space.'  I guess it's that simple then.

Do we have a moral obligation to intervene where innocent people are being killed in countries where we have previously armed them with their weapons?  Just asking.

Can anyone please tell me what on earth is the point of having people call in to participate in debates on the radio, if they are going to be either cut off or hurried along the minute they give an opinion which differs to the people on the show?  Oh how silly of me, I thought we lived in a democracy and had freedom of speech.

With all this blogging, pinterest and tumblr stuff  I'm following, beginning to wonder, am I viewing life as opposed to living it?  Just asking........

Just got back from the supermarket.  Again.  Whilst waiting to pack, I asked the woman behind me if the coriander was hers, to which she replied 'no, I don't like coriander'.  And herein lies the problem.  I cannot think of any food I don't like.  Stuff I don't love but nothing, apart from garlic and raw onion, that I try not to eat and that's not even because of the taste, it's how it makes my mouth feel after I've eaten it.  And sheeps brains which btw, I have tried, but that's because of the texture.  Which poses the question.  Are fussy eaters naturally slimmer?  Do people like me, who constantly struggle with their weight, just like way too much damned food?

One day, I am going to rent a room on the beach in Stoupa in Greece for 3 months.  I am going to swim in the sea, read, listen to local radio, eat from the bakery, drink frappes during the day and drink chilled wine in the tavernas in the evening.  I am going to lie in the sun and let my skin get brown and leathery and my hair go wild and white and live in a strapless cheesecloth dress with no bra and take the risk of my tits dropping to my knees and not give a shit because if I have made it to then, I would quite frankly, have seriously earnt the right.

The wonderful thing about children, is that what I see as fat to be got rid of, they see as wonderful softness.

Christ, it's great to be back in England.  Or so I thought.  Had a most bizarre experience in the supermarket this morning.  I was chatting with a till girl whilst I was packing and she was scanning, at no time were either of us, god forbid, pausing.  When we finished, I smiled at the woman behind me who proceeded to have a humungous go at us, accusing us of chatting and taking forever as if we had nothing else to do.  The till girl became very apologetic and I said 'she was just being friendly and I was packing as fast as I could' to which she replied 'no you weren't packing as fast as you could'.  I clearly antagonised her further be saying 'er, I think I am the best person to know about my capacity to pack'.  She then po-faced told us that she was going to lodge a complaint.  It was at this point that I almost cracked up, expecting her to say 'I'm kidding love, I was just pulling your leg', but no, this woman's whole day was spoilt by 2 people being, oh my God, let's alert the elders, 'friendly'.  I marched off to Customer Services to forwarn them of this woman with a seriously bad attitude.  What the hell is wrong with people?  This country has a history of the corner shop, community, knowing our neighbours, being involved with and caring about people and we are always complaining about the loss of it.  I sometimes can't bare the fact that my children are growing up in a world where there are people who are so fucking odd.

I am currently reading what could possibly be my 100th diet book.  The jury is out as to whether it is 'the one' or the biggest pile of shite ever.  So.  The daughter catches me reading it the other day and asks me what it's about.  The look of disdain when I tell her will haunt me forever!  She is naturally very slim and is one of the most intuitive eaters that I know.  When I asked her what she would write if this was a book she was putting together, she looked at me incredulously and declared that she wouldn't be writing a book, she'd be writing a paragraph!  And there folks, I think we have it.  So, here we go.  The Paragraph.  Eat little and often, healthyish food and bits of chocolate.  Graze not gorge.  Could have saved me a fortune!

Research has found that when someone feels anxious or upset about a life event, telling them to 'cheer up' actually makes them feel worse because it simply reminds them that their emotions don't conform to societal expectations.

Life can sometimes be so shit that you have to try and fill it with as many little bits of happiness as you possibly can.

I find it so so sad that when we perform acts of cruelty towards those we claim to love, we cannot remember all those random acts of kindness that over the years, they gave to us.

When I first started my visual blog, Arlington Rd, initially I was drawn to interior images of beauty, then, of places that I wanted to live in and now, only to places that show signs of domestic and family life.  Beauty without a soul is nothing.

I started a new blog a month ago.  A visual one. It's been great.  I'm loving it.  I spend hours trawling the net for images.  Anything that talks to me. Anything that appeals to my soul.  But it just occurred to me.  Am I looking at a life in pictures as opposed to living one?  Just a thought.

How many times do we need to be faced with someone with a terminal illness, that is really way too young to die, to think 'if not now, when?' and to actually act on it?  Do we all really have a part in our brain that we are unaware, of that thinks 'it won't happen to me' and 'I have time'?

We get older and things change.  Our taste in music, interiors, movies and we accept this, yet we still expect our bodies to look in our 50s, how it did in our 20s.  We see images of famous women our age, who have at their disposal, nutritionists to tell them what to eat, cooks to prepare the food and personal trainers to bully them into achieving the perfect body, yet the signs of ageing are still there.  Back fat, bingo wings, saggy knees etc.  If these women cannot fight the effects of time with all the help they have, then what hope do we mere mortals have?  It should make us feel more accepting and yet, the body bashing continues.

Desire to de-clutter has reared its ugly or pretty head, still not sure which one it is.  Surrounded by 'stuff ', by my standards anyway.  It's all over the freaking joint!  Where does it all come from?  No sooner do I get rid of some of it, it comes back again, but each time with a stronger force.  Heeeeeelp.  In the attic, in the shed, in the house, eeeergh, where isn't it?  I read once that stages of life are determined by how many keys one has.  When you are a child you have none.  Then when you are a teenager you get given a front door key.  Then you learn to drive and you get a car key.  Then you leave home, get your own place, get an additional front and back door key and possibly a shed or garage key.  Then you get older and more security conscious and if you have double glazing, you get window keys and on and on it goes.  I have WAY too many fucking keys.

Just been reading an interview with Sofia Coppola, an intelligent and talented film maker.  The following description is in the opening paragraph.  'She is calm and softly spoken.  Her milky skin, cherubic lips, brilliant sparkling eyes and choppy, bobbed hair lend her an ever-youthful demeanour.'  For crying out loud, this is in a relatively intelligent magazine, not Daily Mail online.  What has happened to us?  This is an important woman with a lot to say.  What has happened to journalists?  What has happened to us?  Is this what we now expect from our interviews?  What is perhaps most upsetting, is that I always assume that these top people approve their interviews before going to print and if this is the case, why are they not saying 'hold on a minute, this is 2013, this is not what our mothers and grandmothers fought for'?  Maybe I'm disappointed.

Just given a cursory glance at Daily Mail online, my guilty secret and I have to fucking seriously wean myself off that one.  Looking at Kaley Cuoco, Penny from the Big Bang Theory, current shots for FHM or Esquire, whichever.  Nothing particularly provocative, but sexy lingerie shots nonetheless.  Before anyone shoots me, yeah I know, it's her right, she has chosen, blah blah blah, but, I am saddened that this is where we are.  Is this how far we have come?  She is a talented comedic actress who has surely proved this, why oh why are women still feeling the need or pressured to participate in these sorts of photo shoots?

I was waltzing round the supermarket when I stumbled upon what looked like an extremely burnt loaf of bread.  Upon closer inspection, it was being sold as 'well fired loaf '.  I think we can now safely assume that the world of supermarkets has gone completely mad.  I can't help thinking that they burnt a batch of loaves and thought, 'hmmm, sure we can print up a load of labels and sell these to the middle classes as flash bread'.  Jeeze!

I am constantly re-arranging my house, the current one anyway.  Often wondered 'what's that about?'.  Recently had a light bulb moment.  I think, because I cannot get my body to really look the way I would like it to, because no amount of diet, exercise and surgery is going to alter my basic body type, I continuously try to get my house to look the way I want.  Trouble is, I'm failing with that too because I am trying to work with a house that is a different shape to the one I like.  Today I realised, that my deep bay windows that I detest are the round curves of my body that I wish were smaller.  Freaking hell, I should have been a psychologist.  Either that or get me to one pronto!

I was never a fan of Margaret Thatcher, left wing youth that I was, so I was surprised by my feelings, because I didn't think that I had any regarding todays funeral, until I read that the late Harold Wilson had a simple ceremony on the Scilly Isles and Harold Macmillan was buried in a quiet Sussex churchyard after a private service near his family home.  I would hate to think that funerals have become like celebrity weddings.  Just one more excuse for a Hello/OK spread.  Another 15 minutes of fame.  Yes, she served her country and we paid her a salary for it.  Her children will inherit her estate and it should pay for her funeral just as everbody elses does.  I know that this is seriously simplifying things but sometimes, you have to.

Do slimming clubs take something simple and turn it into something hugely complicated in order to convince you that you cannot possibly do it on your own?  Yes me thinks.  Latest email sent to me.  'Just remember, if you could do it on your own, you wouldn't have come to us.'  Disable me why don't you?!  Whatever.  I'm bored.  Always knew I wasn't going to be a 'lifer'!  Do I really need to be going somewhere where the scales are 2lb heavier than mine?  I think we all know the answer to that and wtf is the big deal with bread?  The inane reasons given to you by slimming clubs as to why you shouldn't eat it.  It's in the bible for Christ's sake, how can it not be good for you?!  And the meetings.  Gawd.  One and a half hours out of my weekly life to hear people pinpoint that chip they ate on Tuesday is what made them put on 4lb this week.  Er, I think you'll find it was the double portion of pie.  The pressure to get to a certain weight and then figure out htf you are going to stay there.  Not that I know because I have only once starved myself to a ridiculously low weight and managed to stay there for 5 minutes before I very rapidly overate my way back up.  And then some.  'But aren't you worth one and a half hours to turn up for a meeting?'  Oh, I think you'll find I am worth so much more!

Let's talk interior magazines.  Again.  Why is it that the higher end of them you go eg. Living, Elle, the more you can get away with 'bad' taste.  I see some stuff in these magazines that I used to see in houses when I was growing up, that my generation couldn't wait to get away from.  I know that trends always come around again but still.

Just reading 'Learning how to say no'.  This is the advice given.  'If constantly pleasing others is making you unhappy, it's time to increase your self-worth.  Next time someone wants a favour, don't apologise or give a reason, just say 'No, I can't help you this time'.'  Do writers of self-help books actually live in the real world?  I have never in my 51 years, remember hearing anything remotely resembling such a phrase being uttered.  And while on the subject of self-help books, note to self.  STOP FUCKING READING THEM!  I am only drawn to the ones that claim to not be self-help books.  Second note to self.  THEY ARE!  I have yet to read a single one that I haven't nearly passed out from boredom half way through but plod on I do, come across a few helpful tips, think 'ooh, that's a goodie, must try and implement that one into my life', completely forget about it as soon as the book hits the charity shop, then continue to live my normal existence, flaws and all.

Never been as tempted to smash someone's face in as I was whilst shopping in my local supermarket today.  A woman in her early sixties was shopping with her elderly mother.  I'm guessing her mother may have had dementia or possibly she was just, god forbid, old.  I  saw her 3 times and each time she would speak to her in completely louder than necessary clipped tones.  'Stop touching things', 'what are you doing?', 'how many times do I have to tell you?'.  I looked after my mother when she had Alzheimers.  It is tiring, it is testing, it is exhausting, it is everything you might think it is and then some.  What it isn't is a licence to be cruel.  I was mentally begging the daughter to look at me so she could see that her behaviour had been noticed.  I know we are meant to mind our own business, to not judge, to not get involved, but........I hate myself for not having had the courage to say something.

When I started this blog, I told myself that I was never going to write about food, dieting or disordered eating but today I am.  A thought hit me yesterday.  In trying to make low fat food, meat in particular, as tasty as possible, I seem to be needing to add a whole plethora of ingredients.  Soy sauce, Worcester sauce, honey, cloves, cinnamon, herbs, condiments, you name it, it's been added.  I seem to remember my mum, who was an amazing cook, just adding a bit of salt and pepper, fresh herbs weren't as easy to come by back in the 60s and 70s and her food always tasted yum.  But here's the thing.  Meat was being sold with a bit of fat, in fact, I'm pretty sure it still is, I just don't buy it.  So what do you think?  Do you take away alot of flavour when you take away fat and what's more damaging, the fat in meat or the additives in all the sauces I am using in trying to make a chicken breast remotely palatable?

'Here is some food for thought.....We should place the elderly in prisons.  They will get a shower a day, video surveillance in case of problems, three meals a day, access to a library, computer, TV, gym, doctors on-site, free medication if needed.  Put criminals in nursing homes, they have cold meals, lights off at 7pm, two showers a week, live in a smaller rooms and pay for the privilege.  It's pretty sad that we treat prisoners better than the elderly.'  Came across this the other day and I never thought of it in quite this way before. It is truly horrific.   I was 'lucky' to find a care home for my mother where the staff couldn't have been more caring but the things I saw in other homes will stay with me forever.  A civilized society is defined by how we treat our elderly.  It really doesn't say alot about us does it?

Having recently returned from a trip to Athens, I am intrigued by how couples there are quite happy to raise children in apartments with no access to a garden when in England, no access to a green space is practically tantamount to child abuse.  Before anyone shouts 'but they've got the weather to play outside', from what I've witnessed, the children there are just as computer game obssessed as ours are.  I'm not saying we should go out of our way to deprive our children of a garden, but maybe it doesn't actually do as much damage as we think.

I hit 51 this week.  Aim for rest of life.  To purchase as little 'stuff'' as I can.  I hope to live a long life and if I do, by the end of it, I would like to leave as I arrived, just me.  Does that sound mad?  It probably does.  I don't mean it to sound hippyish or anything. Stuff you love should surround you then should be loved by others when you no longer do.  Obviously not people!  The de-cluttering quest  continues!!

Remembered this today, from the film Say Anything.  In response to being asked by Diane's (Ione Skye) father what he's going to do now that he's graduated, Lloyd (John Cusack) answers with the following.  'You mean like a career?  Uh, I don't know.  I've, I've thought about this quite a bit Sir and I'd have to say, considering what's waiting out there for me, I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career.  |I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed or ...process anything sold, bought or processed or repair anything sold, bought or processed, you know, as a career.  I don't want to do that.'  I hear you Lloyd!  Surely one of the best pieces of movie dialogue.  Ever.  And I really do mean, ever!

Just read a really interesting book called QUIET the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking.  Jim has a daughter who is an introvert.  If anyone comments on her quietness, his prompt reply is 'That's just her style.  Other people have different styles.  But this is hers.'  I really really like this.

Where is the logic in bringing and keeping wood in the house for our wood burners?  IT'S MEANT TO BE OUTSIDE!  Fire's are meant to be outside.  The amount of insects that now enter my house via the wood is eugh, it's so eugh.  It just aint right.  It makes no sense.

'I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it.'  Rita Mae Brown.  I absolutely love this.

'Eat only when you are hungry and stop when you are full.'  I struggle with this mantra from Intuitive Eating.  If I was remotely capable of this, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Anyone that knows me even just a little bit, knows that the thing I struggle with the most in daily life is saying NO!  Came across the best three ways in dealing with this.  Saying 'I'm afraid that won't be possible', 'Oh dear, I find I'm watching TV that night' (Peter Cook - love him!) or just saying 'No' and shutting up.  Now just need to find the cajones to enforce!

Just got back from Slimming World meeting.  Going well but women crucifying themselves because they have an appetite, hating themselves  because their bodies are telling them to eat, talking about food as if they are snorting coke and it feeling like I am at an AA meeting.  Something is very very wrong.

When are governments going to get it into their thick heads that choice is not what we want?  We don't want a choice of schools, we want our local schools to be of a good standard and we don't want a choice of what hospital to spend time in, we want to be able to go in, be cared for and not get additional diseases while we are there just because people have forgotten how to clean.

The secret to life is to put yourself in the right lighting.  For some it's a Broadway spotlight, for others, a lamplit desk.

When did it become ok to refer to something as being 'proper good'?  Aaaaaargh!

Just paid a visit to Nat West Bank.  Wasn't eavesdropping but overheard a conversation between someone with an existing current account, trying to open an additional account and a member of staff.  He was being told that the only person who could open an account for him was fully booked with appointments all day.  Really?  I have no issue with the staff in my local branch.  They are both friendly and helpful.  It's the rules.  I mean Jesus Christ, do they want our fucking money or what?  He already had an account there, he didn't just walk off the street.  So, we are to believe that in the entire branch, there is only one person that can do this highly skilled job of opening an account whilst at the same time, they are employing a person who is standing about, just in case people need help in operating one of the machines, yay, let's get rid of one more human.  When it is possible to open an account online with other banks, why are some still treating it as if it is such a difficult task?  Shoulda made a scene!

As much as an unexpected death and not saying goodbye is awful, so is watching the demise and pain of someone you love, however gradual.

I held your hand throughout.  I wanted to climb into your bed and hold you.  I needed you to know that you were not alone, to not be frightened.  I am here Mum.  This was your time.  A lone tear, leaving the corner of your eye, stopping in the hollow.  Even in the end, your beauty, so delicate, was poetic.  'I don't think Mum's breathing anymore.'  Then that was it, all over.  No more suffering.  No more pain.  Finished.  Gone.  Except for me Mum, it isn't.  This gaping hole that just won't close and these tears that just won't stop.

Just caught Carry on Nurse on the tv and it reminded me of something that I've always thought about Hattie Jaques.  I now that she had her demons in real life but one of the things I loved about her is that in all the roles I ever saw her play, even though she was large, she never once believed that she was anything less than a one hundred per cent sexy woman.

Came across this in an interview which I really liked.  The writer Ol Parker's response when asked if he ever has a crisis of confidence.  'Show me someone who doesn't ever have a crisis of confidence and I will show you a psychopath.  You wait it out, then rise again.  You move on.'

Had a Slimming World meeting today.  It still amazes me, that with everything we now know about our warped relationship with food, that we still say 'I am being good today/I was really good today'.  What we choose to eat or not eat is not a moral issue.  There are many things that define whether we are good or not and food never was and never will be one of them.  It's long overdue for us to find a different word.

I lost weight, again, kept it off for a while, thought I had kicked the food issues, decided it was time for the much needed breast reduction.  Not a decision taken lightly, my back and shoulders were killing me.  Surgery done, pleased, shit happened, the weight piles on, again.  The boobs get bigger.  Nowhere near as big as before, but bigger nevertheless.  Today I was told 'you've put on weight and your breasts have got big again'.  What exactly am I meant to do with this information?  Is it possible that people think I haven't noticed?  Am I meant to thank them?  Why can't some people realise that they are being hurtful?  Alot of questions.  Maybe I should just snarkily say 'oh thanks'.  Or maybe I should say 'what do you expect me to say to this useful piece of information?'.  Answers on a postcard please!

One of the downsides of getting older is that your sight goes out the window.  One of the upsides is that looking at yourself in the mirror is like being filmed in soft focus.  Just lovely.  After having ghastly mugshots taken today for driving licence renewal, reality check.  Apologies to the general public.  I genuinely didn't know that this is the face I am presenting to the world.  Why did no-one tell me?!

It's London.  It's snowing.  The daughters university in Stoke has closed and have just been notified that the sons school is sending the children home at midday.  I went to school and college in the 60s and 70s and trust me, the winters back then were far more cold.  I cannot think of a single event that caused either establishment to close for the day.  It would have taken an avalanche and then, maybe, they just might have considered it.  Snow meant one thing.  Extreme fun.  Jeez, just call me cantankerous!

Does giving make us feel less guilty about being born lucky?

Most Ladies and some Gents.  Think back to when you went on your first diet.  Obviously you did it because you thought you were overweight.  Now go find a photo from that period in your life.  Are you thinking 'fuck, I wasn't even fat'?  Thought so.

'Genes load the gun, environment pulls the trigger.'  Came across this recently, regarding whether eating disorders could possibly be genetic but I think you can apply it to alot of things.  Alzheimers, heart disease, blood pressure, high cholesterol.  Pick one.  There are things we can do.  We can try.  Don't accept everything as a foregone conclusion.

I keep cutting out bits of articles from magazines which give excellent advice, tips, things to ponder on and it is all sound advice.  Thing is, it did actually make me think.  Does anyone ever really make changes, in particular, long-term changes to the way they live or think based on anything they have read in self-help articles?  Advice to live in the moment, to let things go, to not worry, to not procrastinate, yada yada yada.  When you read anything in a calm state, of course you think, 'great advice', but when you are in a dark place, trust me, the last thing you are remembering, is 'that' article.

When something works for you once, does it automatically mean that it always will in the future or is everything in life right for the person you are at the time?  Surely as people, we are constantly evolving.

'I'm no actor and I've got 64 films to prove it.'  Victor Mature's response to an exclusive California country club refusing him entry on the grounds that they didn't admit actors.  This is my absolute favourite quote.  Ever!

'We are never really in control, we just think we are when things go our way.'  Is this the case?  Should we accept that we are pretty powerless over many of life's events and people?  Should we do our best in life but accept that the outcome is out of our hands?  Liberating?

In the extremely unlikely event I ever have another child and it is a masculine child, yes yes I know, from The Godfather, can't resist, I am going to name him Thorin Oakenshield from The Hobbit.  What a truly bloody brilliant name!

I think I may officially be a grumpy old woman.  I was vocally aghast at the price of popcorn in the cinema today, well it is ridiculously expensive, followed by me questioning whether she had given me two scoops of ice-cream cos it definately looked like it was only one.  I don't mind a mark-up and lord knows I love Ben and Jerrys but if you are gonna charge me alot of money, at least be generous with the volume.  The icing on the cake of me needing a small mortgage to take the son to the cinema was some woman behind me, smashing her gargantuan sized bag into the back of my head whilst I was seated.  At least I refrained from apologising which I usually do in supermarkets when someone runs over my foot with their trolley!

'If you do good, good things will happen.'  I would love to believe this but sadly, bad things happen to very good people and good things happen to bad people.  Is everything in life accidental and random?

So, new year and a whole new bunch of diets out there.  If I hear one more person say 'why don't you just eat less and move more, it's that simple?', I shall scream.  Do these imbeciles think that people carrying extra weight haven't figured this out?  Trust me, if it was that simple, we would have already done it.  Believe it or not, we do not want to have so many food issues and have weight take over our lives.